Cemetery Gates (2006)

Do you remember the 80's? You know when Horror movies kicked ass. I miss those days. Sure there are some really great horror films these days but there are also plenty of crappy

ones like When the Stranger Calls remake. On May 30^th, 2006, Cemetery Gates was released on DVD. How was it? Well, Cemetery Gates is a welcomed return to those gory days of the 80's.

During its 90 minutes, Cemetery Gates is a non-stop ride of Blood and guts. Yes, there is some character development here and there, but who cares about that when you should be having a blast watching a Tasmanian devil tear apart several victims, including KNB bad boys Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero.

The acting is pretty good all around. Reggie Bannister plays a more claim version of his Phantasm character but he's pretty good in his role here. The other actors are unknowns (well to me they are) but do well at what they're doing. Kristin Novak is hot as hell, though.

You want gore? Lots of it? Cemetery Gates delivers. This has to be the goriest movie I've seen in a long time. People are ripped to pieces, heads are smashed, limps fly around and the red slush is thrown around like it's nobody's business. You won't be disappointed.

Roy Knyum's background in Make-up FX helped him with directing duties here. The direction is solid, the pace is fast and the movie is never boring. Plus having an FX guy behind the camera is always good in terms of gore and creature effects.

Speaking of the creature itself, the Tasmanian devil (called Precious in the movie) no CGI here, this a man in the suit, just like the 80's (cries a little). To tell you the truth, I don't remember seeing any CGI in this movie at all. The man in the suit creature looks pretty good and works well in the movie. I really liked it.

The music is pretty good. Can't say much on this part.

Cemetery Gates is the perfect weekend rental. It's funny (the part with Nicotero and Precious is hilarious) It's a non splatter fest that never gets boring. It feels like it came from the 80's. I want to see more films like this. Highly recommended.

8/10

Kids Go to the Woods...Kids Get Dead (2009)

Review:
When I saw the trailer for "Kids go to the Woods...Kids get Dead" I knew it would be right up my alley. Much like Writer/Director Michael Hall I grew up on "USA up all night" watching such masterpieces as Psycho Cop Returns, The Toxic Avenger and numerous 80's sex comedies. So when I heard Kids get Dead was a love letter to the good old days of USA up all night I had to see it. And thanks to Michael Hall I've gotten that chance.

Kids go to the Woods begins with some home movie footage that's replaced with a static filled tv commercial before cutting to the horror hostess of the film "Candy Adams" It's just like watching one of your old VHS tapes. The home movie stuff you accidently taped over popping up, the commericials you tried your best editing out and the entertaining horror host. The ditzy hostess brought a huge smile to my face and reminded me of the days when USA actually showed something worthwhile. After a vignette with Candy Adams (she appears throughout the movie) the movie begins and what proceeds is sex, death, lesbians and a badass killer. Simply put I had a fucking blast!

Kids go to the Woods...Kids get Dead would fit right in with the likes of Friday the 13th and My Bloody Valentine. We have the masked killer, the bloody kills, the horny teenagers, the virgin final girl and the crazy old man who warns our main characters of the dangers ahead. If you're a fan of 80's slasher films then you don't want to miss out on this nostalgic piece of horror entertainment.

For the first hour of the film we spend a lot of time with our main characters before the masked killer does away with them. Don't worry horror fiends there are plenty of sequences in the middle of the killer murdering disposable side characters. I actually appreciate the amount of time we spend with the main characters as we get to care for some of them before they die. The acting is serviceable with some of the actors giving better performances then others ones. The acting is no better and no worse than most early slasher movies.

Being a low budget affair I was surprised how convincing the FX work was. There were problems here and there with the FX (an obvious plastic Ax for example) but most of the time they delivered the bloody goods. A sequence where a character has his head twisted around his body was so good I had to rewind it and watch it again. Kudos to Julie Langer for the good work.

The movie also looked unbelievably great for being low budget. Props to cinematographer Robert J. Huntley.

Tag to that energetic direction by Michael Hall, an old school music score and efficient editing makes Kids go to the Woods...Kids get Dead well worth watching.

So what are you doing? Click the link below and buy a copy. Fans of 80's slasher films and USA up all night won't regret it.

Recommended.

7/10

http://darkstarentertainment.net/kgd/kgdhome1.html

Alone in the Dark II (2009)

Review:
Believe it or not, I was looking forward to this film. I actually really enjoyed the first film. It was a fun illogical B-movie that reminded me of the stuff Cannon Films used to produce in the 1980's. Uwe Boll didn't direct this one, but did produce it. Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, who co-wrote the first film, directed this sequel. Did it turn out any good? Read on.

Alone in the Dark II is a massive disappointment. It had alot of potential but was so poorly executed. With an interesting story line and a great group of actors, you would expect something at least entertaining. Not here folks!

The film's biggest sin is that it's dull. Instead of being a creepy horror film, Directors Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer have made one of the most dull and lifeless horror films this year. And what's the point of hiring actors like Michael Pare and Danny Trejo and doing nothing with them? Wasted in their small roles. Watching this film is like watching paint dry. Its that exciting.

I should speak about the villainous of the film, the so called "Witch" but there's not much to say. Most the time she's a flashy visual effect and the rest of the time she's as scary as a blow up doll in the sun. They could have made an effective and scary villainous but nope, just another wasted potential.

Add to that this has one of the worst finales I've seen in awhile. What an unexciting and uneventful series of events. Makes the finale to Lost Boys: The Tribe look brilliant!

And whoever hired Rick Yune as Edward Carnby deserves a hard kick to the balls. A snooze inducing performance.

Anything I liked about this suckfest? Well it looked good and thankfully it only lasted a quick 80 minutes without end credits.

Acting:
Rick Yune (Edward Carnby) was terrible. One note performance the entire time. Did he ever change facial expressions? Bill Moseley (Dexter) was OK but most of the time he was unconvincing. Most of did it for the paycheck. Rachel Specter (Natalie) was hot. That's about it. Lance Henriksen (Abner) came in, cashed that checked and left. The rest of the cast did about the same.

Directing:
Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer should stick to writing because they're terrible directors. There's a lack of energy throughout, zero suspense and very poorly staged horror and action bits. I missed Uwe Boll!

Music:
A very bland horror score by Jessica De Rooij.

Violence/Gore:
Except an impaling on someone's leg, everything was off screen. It's rated PG-13. Why they decided to go that route after the R rated first film is beyond me.

Nudity:
Nada.

In the end...
Alone in the Dark II could have been fun but was a dull and lifeless mess instead. At least Uwe Boll would have made this an enjoyable mess. It almost put me to sleep. This Boll fan wasn't pleased.

3/10

Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Review:
For 21 years, fans have waited for a sequel to the 1987 cult classic "The Lost Boys". We kept waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, on July 29th, we have the long awaited sequel. Sure it's Direct to DVD and sounds more like a remake than a sequel, but we have a freaking Lost Boys sequel! But wait a minute, it sucks! What happened!? Read on.

For one thing, Warner Brothers hates us fans. Instead of giving us the ultimate Lost Boys sequel with a big budget, they hire untalented people who only know how to do cheaply made direct to DVD horror flicks. Does Warner hate us? I think so.

First the story line is a copy of the original film with differences here and there. Basically this is a mix mash of a remake and a sequel. But besides having similar elements as The Lost Boys it did not feel like a Lost Boys movie. It felt like another cheap direct to DVD vampire movie you can find at Blockbuster every week. Even when Edgar Frog was on screen I was going "This isn't Lost Boys". The director and screenwriter claimed to be fans of the first movie but I'm not convinced. It felt like they watched the first movie, took pieces of it and then spat it out on page and screen.

How are the actual Lost Boys in this film? They SUCK, literally! What a bunch of annoying, idiotic goons. No scares from these bunch of wannabes. Despite being bloodsucking fiends, I found the fang gang in the original to be pretty cool. These vamps in this so called sequel were as cool as a popsicle in hell. What about Angus Sutherland (half bro of Kiefer) as the leader of lost boys, Shane? Well he sucked the most. He was so wooden, I was convinced he was a stake. What a boring and uninteresting performance. He doesn't have half the talent his brother does. Not once did this guy created any menace or believable threat. Was he on sleeping pills? Gotta be!

What could have made the film somewhat watchable was the finale, in which Chris Emerson (our male lead) and Edgar Frog go to the vampire nest to kill the rest of the lost boys. But no dice. Screenwriter Hans Rodionoff and Director PJ Pesce instead give us a rushed, half baked and quick finale that is over before it starts. Did these guys even care? Besides one cool moment involving a vampire's head and a holy water balloon, this half sucked the most because of the lack of care for the audience. When Chris battles Shane, you expect a long, brutal fight, right? Not here fright fans! Blink and you'll miss this fight sequence.

Yes Corey Haim returns as Sam Emerson...in a 30 second cameo in the middle of the end credits. Tag to that, Jamison Newlander's return as Alan Frog was cut from the final film. See how much thought was put into this!?

I'm not going to even discuss the horrible use of Cry Little Sister. Ugh.

Anything positive about this? I loved Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog. His voice, costume, dialogue, everything. So cool to see him back in action, Too bad he's underused and in a bad sequel. I also liked Tom Savini's cameo and the gore and vampire make-up were pretty well done.

Acting:
Tad Hilgenbrink (Chris Emerson) had his ON and OFF moments. He was the least of the film's problems. Autumn Reeser (Nicole Emerson) also had her ON and OFF moments but I let any problems with her go away because she is pretty damn hot. Angus Sutherland (Shane) was boring, uninteresting and hilariously wooden. Corey Feldman (Edgar Frog) was as funny and cool as ever in his small role. The film should have been about him!

Directing:
There's a reason why Warner Brothers hired PJ Pesce to direct this film and it's because he's cheap and could get a job done quickly. It painfully shows. The film looks like it was made for TV and is flat and unexciting. How I miss Joel Schumacher. He had a great style in the first movie. Pesce has no style.

Music:
I don't remember Nathan Barr's score. Sorry. The soundtrack was OK for what it's worth. The remake of Cry Little Sister was decent.

Violence/Gore:
This was a violent and bloody little sucker! We get decapitations, impalement, head explosions and more! This one packed a bloody punch.

Nudity:
We get some slight boobage. Will it excite you? Up to you amigo!

In the end:
Did Warner Brothers actually think us fans would like this poor excuse for a sequel? They must think we're stupid. I can't believe I was actually excited for this turd! My recommendation? Skip this and just watch the original.

Avoid.

4/10

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

SOME SPOILERS!

In 2008 the long awaited Lost Boys sequel “The Tribe” came rushing into the video stores for all us fans to see. Ok it was direct to DVD but we finally have a Lost Boys sequel! Sadly the movie really sucked. It was a bland rehash of the first film with horrible acting, poor direction and a serious lack of Corey Feldman. The main reason us fans wanted to see it was because of Edgar Frog and he’s screen time in the film was very little. It was a huge slap to the face of fans.

Fast forward to 2010 and the brand spanking new Lost Boys sequel “The Thirst” is now on DVD and Blu-ray for us fans to judge. Does it make the same mistakes as the first sequel or is it an overall better attempt? Well let’s just say it does more good than it does wrong.

Right off the bat focusing on The Frog Brothers this time around was a smart move. They were a big part of why the first film was so much fun. Why the first sequel decided to focus on new boring characters is beyond me but we don’t have this problem here. This is the Frog Brothers film and if you’re not a fan of those two characters this movie won’t work for you. Alan Frog (The returning Jamison Newlander) has the less screen time of the two but his storyline remains important to the film, especially during the finale.

For fans of the original there are several references to that film. Instead of feeling forced into the film to please fans, they instead serve a real purpose. One practically touching sequence involves Edgar Frog visiting the grave of Sam Emerson. It’s a nice moment in the film and a respectful way to say goodbye to the character and late actor Corey Haim. There’s also flashbacks to scenes from the original. Instead of feeling like time filler these scenes remind us of how much has changed in Edgar Frog’s life. His brother is now a vampire and his best friend is dead. Edgar Frog is pretty much all alone.

How is the big bad in this one? The lead vampire DJ X doesn’t make much of an impact but is at least better than the painfully dull Angus Sutherland from the first sequel. The vampires' sole reason to exist here is to be killed by Edgar Frog and his teammates. Good or bad thing? You decide. But the fact remains that these bloodsuckers don’t hold a candle to Kiefer Sutherland and his gang in the original.

The storyline here is nothing to get too excited over but at least they didn’t simply recycle the original film’s story like The Tribe did. It involves Edgar Frog being hired by a novelist to rescue her brother from DJ X, who has some nasty plans for the poor soul. Edgar brings along Zoe (played by the adorable Casey B. Dolan) to help destroy DJ X and rescue the brother.

Dario Piana directs this time around, replacing hack director P.J. Pesce (responsible for DTV classics like From Dusk Till Dawn 3 and Smoking Aces 2). Lost Boys: The Tribe came off as bland and lifeless. Dario Piana on the other hand directs a fairly stylish and exciting fare and his action sequences are well shot (but too short, probably for budgetary reasons). I was fond of Dario’s work on “The Deaths of Ian Stone” and he continued to impress me here. Give this guy a big budget!

Anything I didn’t particularly like? I thought the opening credits sequence was terrible and featured some of the most god awful techno music I’ve ever heard. Although the movie runs at a fast pace (77 minutes without credits) I felt there could have been more to the story than what we got. In fact the whole film felt more like a Pilot for a television series. I also felt the vampire make-up wasn’t great this time around. It’s not terrible but it’s a big step down from Greg Cannon’s creations in the original film. Last but not the least, the ending. Love the concept behind it but the execution fell flat.

So is this the Lost Boys sequel us fans deserve? No it isn’t. It is good enough and a fun time waster? Hell yes! If you weren’t a fan of The Tribe, I don’t blame you. But give this one a shot. It’s pretty good.

7/10

Quick thoughts from the movie geek...

Here's some quick thoughts from me on a few flicks...

The Grudge 3 (2009)
Directed by Toby Wilkins. 90 minutes.

Sue me but I really enjoyed this one. Splinter director Toby Wilkins takes over the series and provided me with 90 minutes of spooky entertainment. An extremely solid Direct to DVD effort. If you enjoyed the first two Grudge films, check this one out!

Red Mist (2009)
Directed by Paddy Breathnach. 84 minutes.

I didn't like the director's last film, Shrooms, so I went in with low expectations. Well colored me surprised but this turned into an interesting supernatural/revenge tale with a solid cast, stellar direction and graphic kills. Check it out!

Killer Movie (2009)
Directed by Jeff Fisher. 92 minutes

What could've been a fun and entertaining little slasher film turned out to be a lifeless dull turd. It feels like a late 90's tween horror film with some decent gore. A really bad one at that. Been there, done that. Skip it.

Coming soon quick thoughts...

Red Sands.
Time Crimes.
Screamers: The Hunting.

The Toxic Avenger (1985) movie review

I love Troma. Everything I usually watch by them I love (the ones they actually make though). My first introduction to The Toxic Avenger was the animated TV series Toxic Crusaders. As a child I love the show and even collected the action figures when they were released. My favorite character was Toxie, Of Coarse.

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